It can’t get any worse.  That was what I was telling myself.  I was wrong.  So here we are, my husband is unemployed again.  This time I fear he will not get unemployment.  I mean he quit this job.  We can’t pay our bills on my salary.  I am a teacher.

On one hand I was thankful this happened after school got out.  I’m not sure that I could have taught and made myself go to work each day.  However, on the other hand, now both of us are home together…all day and night.  We didn’t have any space to work this out. 

Then it gets worse.

It was Sunday morning and we were getting ready for church.  I discover that my husband has made some other choices.  Choices that were definitely not in the best interest of our family.  I then reacted.  This was not a thought out move, but a reaction.  I asked him to leave. 

I love my husband.  He is basically a good man.  We have been together for 15 years.  He has not been himself since he was laid off, but some of this goes even deeper. 

Now I am by myself with two children and definitely not enough money.  My husband has moved to his mother’s house.  What am I going to do?

I pray.

My husband did eventually find a job.  It was a manufacturing position.  I was thrilled, because it made more money than his other job.   It also had good benefits.  I was beginning to feel better. 

My husband however was not.  Knowing my anxieties during his unemployment, he kept quiet about his current position.  He didn’t tell me or maybe I didn’t listen (probably a combination of both).  I do remember him saying one morning that he just didn’t want to go to work.  I about freaked out on him. 

In my mind I’m think he enjoyed his “funemployment” and is having a hard time adjusting back to real life.  In truth he hated his new job.  He was working with a verbally abusive guy, and just didn’t feel like he fit in. 

This is where it all goes bad.  My husband makes some choices that were not in our families best interest.  One of which is to spontaneously quit his job one morning.  I am just beginning my last day of school (thankfully a teacher day, not a kid day.)  I get a phone call from him telling me he quit.  I went into shock.  If it weren’t for my coworkers I would still be there packing up my room.  One in particular basically packed my room for me.  She also prayed for me.  I appreciate Sue a great deal. 

I couldn’t comprehend how he could quit his job like that.  If it were so bad why didn’t he begin looking for another job right away?  Why didn’t he tell me it was so awful? 

I didn’t talk to him for over a week.

After the extreme chaos of the last 4 months, I am trying to find myself again. I’m finding it difficult physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.

My body is still trying to adjust to 4 months of stress. Truly more like 8 months of stress. Todd’s being unemployed and then me jumping into too many commitments. I think looking back on it all that maybe I agreed to do all those things as a ways of avoiding the pressures of home. Todd’s unemployment was very hard on both of us. I gained 20 pounds. I’ve lost five, but it is hard. I feel lethargic and unmotivated.

I also think spiritually I’m off kilter. I feel very far away from God right now. I don’t like it. I know what I need to do, but I’m so tired that I don’t do it.

I’m trying to get back into some of my old habits (including, but not limited to blogging), but I’m finding it so difficult. Praying, reading, and even connecting with friends is taking effort. Even getting daily things done is hard. I have piles of little things that need my attention. I have lists of appointments to make for summer, camp applications to get filled out, and homework to turn it (eek due on the 11th.) Heck, even my poor dog needs to go to the vet.

Honestly, I think I am just tired. I’m ready for summer, even if I do have class all of June.

I sometimes feel like God is talking to me.  Sometimes I believe I can’t hear him, and other times I think I intentionally ignore him. 

If I don’t hear him then it isn’t my fault right?  I know…I don’t believe that either.

Since Sunday I feel like he has been repeating the same message to me.  First through a conversation that I had with someone, immediately followed by our pastor’s message, later that day it was in a drama that I was reading, and this morning through a song. 

I hear him, so I can’t pretend I don’t.  It’s hard when God is telling you that he misses you.  How can you ignore that?

We got the results of my sister’s biopsy back!  Praise Jesus!  It’s benign!  She will still have to have it removed and that will be a very serious surgery, yet all is well!

I think this has sort of reminded us all to value each other a little bit more.  It reminded me that my mom had her first cancer when she was 36.  Her 2nd cancer came when she was 49.  My father had his first heart attack at 38 and died at 52 after having 10 or 12 different heart attacks.  I am 41.  Susan is 37.  Our older sister and brother are turning 50 and 49 respectively this year.  It’s a little unnerving.

Granted we still have mom!  That woman is amazing!  She has had cancer 4 times and has more health complications from the treatments.  Yet she is still with us, and we are blessed to have her.  My momma is a warrior woman!  She is my inspiration and hero.  She has had an incredible life and makes mine look like a bed of flowers.

Susan reminds me of Mom.  In fact, she is probably most like mom in some ways.  She is ambitious, hard working, and hard headed.

I love them both.

Yesterday as we drove through Iowa City we noticed that MANY businesses were closed.  Blocks and blocks of businesses were sitting there empty.  At first we commented how bad the economy is, but then we realized this was where the floods occurred. 

It is easy to forget about some of these disasters or at least put them in the far corners of your brain.  We see things while they are happening on the news, but we don’t see how long these disasters are affecting people.  It is easy to move on to the next news story. 

Driving through this dismal area really brought home how these people need long term help and prayers.

Today was a day of unexpecteds.  We unexpectedly had no school due to wind chills of -40.  I unexpectedly had to take my sister two hours away to the University of Iowa hospital for an unexpected biopsy on a cyst in her mouth. 

I have never seen her in so much pain.  Nor have I ever seen her act so…well I will go with witchy.  She’s generally everybody’s favorite person, and has a super high pain tolerance.  That was not true today.  The oral surgeon actually pulled a few teeth as well as biopsied her cyst.  Please pray that it is nothing serious. 

The other unexepected was the beautiful artwork.  Everywhere we turned there was amazing sculptures.  It truly is a beautiful place.  I’m fairly certain that my sister saw none of it. 

I was a little concerned about driving so far in these temps, but it was fine.  Our van was warm, but frustration levels were also high, so it wasn’t always comfortable. 

My mama also went.  It was her birthday.  Happy birthday Mama!  Not a fun way to spend your birthday, but mama’s always want to take care of their babies (even the grown-up ones.)

We won’t find out about the results for a week.  Right now though my sister is just trying to recover, and finding it a challenge as her cheek is super swollen.  It is hard to imagine putting ice on it when it is currently -20 degrees windchill!

This was a smaller Christmas for my family.  It has been a hard 6 months financially since Todd lost his job.  I wanted my children to really understand how blessed they were this season and I created opportunities for them to see that.  Well I tried to at least.

First our family helped serve meals at an inner city church.  We all loved this.  It was so much fun and my kids enjoyed interacting with other people.  I will say though that my children didn’t see this as any different than when we eat dinner at our church on Wednesday nights.  They just didn’t realize the difference. 

The second opportunity was to deliver presents and food to one of our churches adopted angel tree families.  We have done this in the past and enjoy delivering the giant boxes that are always well received.  This one really didn’t work out the way that I intended.

To understand why, you must first understand where my head was at.  I was really struggling this holiday season with guilt.  I LOVE giving big Christmases.  This is probably from growing up truly poor (single mom with 5 kids.)   We didn’t have a lot of stuff, but my mom always gave it her all at Christmas time.  I have always done the same with my kids.  Of course my children have never went without and have more stuff than all the children in my old neighborhood combined. 

Still I knew this Christmas we just couldn’t get them all the things on their wish lists.  I also knew that my brothers and sisters were getting them less too.  So I have been prepping them for it since October.  Looking back, maybe I was prepping myself for it. 

Todd worked at a book fair this year so we got lots of free books.  I bought the boys  inexpensive things like art supplies and cheap games.  They had quite a few presents under our tree.  I still was feeling sad and worried about them being disappointed though.  I knew this Christmas didn’t look like our others and it certainly felt different.

Last Monday we finally were able to connect with the single mom in our angle tree family.   This mom worked every evening at the mall in one of those ear piercing kiosks.  It ended up that the boys weren’t able to help deliver as they had school.  I thought, “Great!  Another holiday plan that backfired!”

We went and delivered.  This family had very little furniture.  They had just moved.  They had a tree with no ornaments and no presents.  The kids were clean, but wearing tattered clothing.  In the living room the mom had put the kids school work all over the walls.  Through our conversation I could tell how much this mom loved her children and was willing to go the extra mile for them.

Walking into my house and seeing the presents under our tree, I realized that this lesson wasn’t mine to teach my children.  Rather I felt that the Lord was teaching and reminding me.  I am VERY blessed.  My children are not going without.  They may not have gotten everything on their wish list, but they were so happy with what they got.  We have a home.  I have a good job.  I have my husband and my children. 

Thank you Lord for the blessings you have served me so abundantly, and for reminding me of them.

When God is in charge awesome things can happen. 

I am on the worship design team at our church.  I am part of a team that helps come up with ideas to go along with our pastor’s message.  I found a script for a drama that I wasn’t sure would go over in our church.  I wasn’t sure if it was too heavy a message.  It was pretty blatant. 

I had one person that kept coming to my mind when I read this.  I wasn’t sure he would want to do it.  When I asked him, he didn’t.  He read it.  He prayed about it.  I prayed about it.  He had never done anything like this.  It was way out of his box.  He finally said yes.

This last Sunday he performed the drama.  It was jaw-dropping powerful.  I had tears in my eyes.  It was God’s work.  People are still reacting to the message.  I overheard people tonight talking about it.

You can read it here.  Jesus was born for me…and for you…and you…and you!

I am currently in the middle of a 2nd completely crazy week.  It seems like I have huge “to-do” lists looming over my head.  So I am taking a few minutes to think about how blessed I am.

•  My husband is able to help me with my huge list and is doing so WILLINGLY without complaint.  (Thank you my love!)
• My son is no longer sick.
• I am hugged, loved, and told that I am beautiful all day long.  (2nd graders are wonderful.)
• I work with an amazing group of women at school.
• I am trusted by a group of people (whose opinions matter a great deal to me) to lead them at the theatre.
• We have sold over 40 tickets for our weekend fund raiser for the theatre.  It’s a murder mystery dinner, and I am acting in it.
• God is taking care of us financially while we wait for him to open a door.
• Fall–it is just beautiful to watch.
• My friends.  I am blessed with so many people that care for us, pray for us, and love us.
• My family. 

It is amazing how a sense of peace just overtakes you when you breathe.