The day my husband quit his job I forced him to make an appointment with a counselor.  My teaching partner recommended a wonderful Christian counselor that her family had used.  He had made that appointment. 

I wanted this counselor to side with me and tell my husband all the ways he is wrong.  I’m still really angry.  My husband told me that the counselor wanted me to come to the first appointment.  I said I would.  After all then I could tell him all that is wrong.  I didn’t really believe that my husband would be honest with the counselor.

We go.  It takes about a minute with the counselor for me to figure out that I have been tricked.  This is not an appointment for my husband this is a marriage counseling appointment.  I’m furious.  My insurance covers individual therapy, but not marriage counseling.  How the heck are we going to pay for this?

He lied again.  He tricked me.  He didn’t take responsibility or admit that he had a problem.  I’m sitting in this office seething.  I am having a hard time thinking.  Even now I can’t remember everything we talked about.  Thankfully God was in control, because I certainly was not.

Our counselor was wonderful.  He saw past my husband’s excuses and called him out on his wrongs.  He challenged him.  He helped us set some goals.  He made us both individual appointments.  That way my insurance will pay for it. 

At some point in the session my husband’s attitude changed.  He went from blaming me for my wrongs in the waiting room to looking at his own wrongs while with the counselor. 

I’m not innocent in this, but most of these are issues my husband has to work out without me.  This counselor was willing and seems able to make him do that.  Of course, most importantly, my husband is willing and WANTING to change.  That is God.

However, I’m angry again–still.  He tricked me.

It can’t get any worse.  That was what I was telling myself.  I was wrong.  So here we are, my husband is unemployed again.  This time I fear he will not get unemployment.  I mean he quit this job.  We can’t pay our bills on my salary.  I am a teacher.

On one hand I was thankful this happened after school got out.  I’m not sure that I could have taught and made myself go to work each day.  However, on the other hand, now both of us are home together…all day and night.  We didn’t have any space to work this out. 

Then it gets worse.

It was Sunday morning and we were getting ready for church.  I discover that my husband has made some other choices.  Choices that were definitely not in the best interest of our family.  I then reacted.  This was not a thought out move, but a reaction.  I asked him to leave. 

I love my husband.  He is basically a good man.  We have been together for 15 years.  He has not been himself since he was laid off, but some of this goes even deeper. 

Now I am by myself with two children and definitely not enough money.  My husband has moved to his mother’s house.  What am I going to do?

I pray.

My husband did eventually find a job.  It was a manufacturing position.  I was thrilled, because it made more money than his other job.   It also had good benefits.  I was beginning to feel better. 

My husband however was not.  Knowing my anxieties during his unemployment, he kept quiet about his current position.  He didn’t tell me or maybe I didn’t listen (probably a combination of both).  I do remember him saying one morning that he just didn’t want to go to work.  I about freaked out on him. 

In my mind I’m think he enjoyed his “funemployment” and is having a hard time adjusting back to real life.  In truth he hated his new job.  He was working with a verbally abusive guy, and just didn’t feel like he fit in. 

This is where it all goes bad.  My husband makes some choices that were not in our families best interest.  One of which is to spontaneously quit his job one morning.  I am just beginning my last day of school (thankfully a teacher day, not a kid day.)  I get a phone call from him telling me he quit.  I went into shock.  If it weren’t for my coworkers I would still be there packing up my room.  One in particular basically packed my room for me.  She also prayed for me.  I appreciate Sue a great deal. 

I couldn’t comprehend how he could quit his job like that.  If it were so bad why didn’t he begin looking for another job right away?  Why didn’t he tell me it was so awful? 

I didn’t talk to him for over a week.

Last summer I got into blogging and reading lots of other blogs.  Some were funny (Suzanne and Pioneer Woman), some made me think (Morocco), and some just inspired me to do (Angry Chicken and Craftsanity), but they all inspired me to write.  Mostly the good stuff, and there has been a lot of good stuff in my life. 

Right now there is not as much good stuff.  Over the past year my husband was laid off.  I thought all in all I dealt with that pretty well.  Not great, but pretty well.  I tried to be supportive, and succeeded only sometimes.  There are a few things about husbands being laid off that seem to be common, well at least in my circle of friends that have experienced this.

• The first is that your husband becomes distant
• for a little while they work on home projects, building closets seemed to be popular
• communication becomes you asking what they did today and him becoming resentful
• you need reassurance that he is really looking since it mostly seems like he is playing on the computer and (in my case) going to the library for movies, books, and music
• you are rattled to your core because your husband doesn’t seem to be motivated to be working anymore and seems to like this “vacation” with an unemployment check
• tension builds and builds

It becomes overwhelming and always in the room with you.  It seems to be a part of every conversation and everything that you.  I know that there are many people dealing with this.  I know far too many others in my circle of friends.  It doesn’t make it any easier.  We were one of the first.  Eventually my husband did find another job.  I will tell about that tomorrow.

About this time of year my students start to become more difficult.  The days seem longer and their attention seems shorter.  They start gazing out the window and start smelling more than a little ripe after recess.  I love fall and the excitement of beginning a new year, but the end is always bittersweet. 

On one hand I’m as excited as they are for a break from our daily routine.  Plus if I’m totally honest, I’m ready to pass on some of my angels to next year’s teacher. 

But on the other hand, I have so much that I want to teach them still.  Not to mention I will miss all of them when they move on (no matter how ready I am to pass them on.) 

I also truly enjoy my summers.  It is the time I re-energize for the upcoming year.  I plan.  I work.  I take classes, and I plan some more.  It is also therapy time for me.  Teaching is an incredibly difficult job both physically and emotionally.  I enjoy cleaning my house, spending time with my two favorite boys, and exploring different interests.

We are all ready for summer!  I can feel it (and smell it!  Who knew that such little people can create such smell!)

I knew when I first saw my house that I loved it.  Apparently so did another female.  I would like to introduce you to expectant mother, Carlie the Cardinal.

We were rather shocked to see that she had used our produce basket to make her nest.  Immediately out our deck door. 

She also has 7 eggs that she is currently sitting on.  Well we are trying to make it easy on the new mother.  We aren’t using the deck until they move.  Well at least not  very much.  We have another door to the backyard that we can use while we wait for babies.  We will keep you updated!

After the extreme chaos of the last 4 months, I am trying to find myself again. I’m finding it difficult physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.

My body is still trying to adjust to 4 months of stress. Truly more like 8 months of stress. Todd’s being unemployed and then me jumping into too many commitments. I think looking back on it all that maybe I agreed to do all those things as a ways of avoiding the pressures of home. Todd’s unemployment was very hard on both of us. I gained 20 pounds. I’ve lost five, but it is hard. I feel lethargic and unmotivated.

I also think spiritually I’m off kilter. I feel very far away from God right now. I don’t like it. I know what I need to do, but I’m so tired that I don’t do it.

I’m trying to get back into some of my old habits (including, but not limited to blogging), but I’m finding it so difficult. Praying, reading, and even connecting with friends is taking effort. Even getting daily things done is hard. I have piles of little things that need my attention. I have lists of appointments to make for summer, camp applications to get filled out, and homework to turn it (eek due on the 11th.) Heck, even my poor dog needs to go to the vet.

Honestly, I think I am just tired. I’m ready for summer, even if I do have class all of June.

So my youngest is telling me that he delivered a note from a friend at church (Rachel) to a friend at his school (John).   Apparently Rachel decided not to be John’s girlfriend.  The note said, “Dear John, I’m sorry I can’t be your girlfriend.  I like someone else.  Better luck next time.”  Ouch!

Well apparently John is taking this really hard.  In fact according to E, it is going to take him a week to get over this one. 

On another note, I’m trying to recover from massive over scheduling.  Rather than write about how I should know better, but never seem to…I will just try to pick up life here.

Suzanne wrote me an email today that was short on words, but long on content.  I realized that my communication has broken down not only on my blog, but also with my family and friends.  So I decided to use her email as my tool to help me get my head back into blogging.  She had lots of questions for me and I decided to share them periodically this week.

From Suzanne, “I’m thinking you have spring break this week.  It probably came at a good time, because you had Mulan+ Lunch & Laughs + Improv.  Are you still alive?  Are you going to post pictures and reviews of Mulan?  How did N do?”

I am blessed to have spring break, as I might not have been able to function without it!  I have been producing Mulan and Cinderella (Lunch n  Laughs), but I also am directing two things at church.  One is a drama for Easter morning and the other is a musical that is performed the week after.   When I took on Mulan, I had said only through January.  I would need to quit in February to work on the musical.  I have a hard time quitting a project.  I want to see it through.  Needless to say it is the middle of March, and here I am.

Thankfully Cinderella is much easier for me to produce!  It is a small cast of adult actors.  I didn’t think I would be at any of the performances due to rehearsals for my musical, but most of my actors have soccer on Saturdays!  So I don’t think   it will be a good rehearsal day.  So that may work out. 

The worst part about this all is that I have felt…ineffective…scattered…forgetful…barely there.  I want to be a person that lives in the moment.  That is present when people need me and are with me.  I haven’t felt that way for awhile.  I have felt like I am going 400 different directions.  While I’m working on something, I might be thinking about something else.  This is something I want to change.

As far as Mulan went, WOW, what a great show!  The kids were amazing.  This was truly a wonderful group of children.  I saw N interact with the cast in ways he hadn’t with others.  I saw him develop many friendships and show leadership that he hadn’t in other shows.  He is no longer one of the little kids, but now one of the OLDER kids.  It was very obvious this show.  I am very proud of him. 

The first weekend run  (and it ran for three weekends) I was VERY worried about ticket sales, and actually throughout the run.  In the past we typically have sold most of our tickets preshow and have maybe 25% walk-ups.  I think due to the economics of our country that changed.  Most of our ticket sales were .  Yesterday we basically sold out.  We set up an extra row, and I think we only had a handful of seats left.

I really enjoyed listening to people’s reactions.  Yesterday I overheard, “Wow!  I can’t believe these are kids.”  When I tell people about our theatre, I think people expect a typical school play.  This is not your usual school play.  Our shows are as good as any theatre I have been too (considering our budget, compared to say, Broadway’s!  )

We had one guy drive from Winterset, which is a good hour plus from our community.  He had seen it written up in the newspaper.  He loved it and will be coming to our next show.  That is part of the magic of our theatre.  Even though we are a children’s theatre our shows truly entertain all ages.  Another person had seen Mulan performed somewhere else and they really weren’t looking forward to seeing it at our theatre.  They were relatives of one of the actors.  Apparently the production they had previously seen was very serious and ours was definitely comedic!

N is the Emperor in purple.  His friend is the Hun, ready to behead him.

One of my goals when I came on the Board of Directors was to help develop a balance in our theatre.  At the time we only performed our mainstage shows.  I felt like there was a lack of balance in the education part of theatre.  I guess that is why I am so excited about all of our programs.  Our Teen Improv, summer classes, and even our Lunch n Laughs help balance out the education vs. performance.   We are able to get kids in the lights and sound booth and involved with the backstage duties as well.  There are those kids that will never be “on-stage”, but want to learn about theatre.  We are beginning to meet those kids.

We have made some mistakes, and we may make more.  We are a young theatre, ran by a very talented, dedicated group of VOLUNTEERS.  We all work full-time jobs, as well as run this small business.  Mistakes and learning adventures will happen.  But all in all, I think everyone’s hard work is evident.  Our list of hard working volunteers goes back about eight years. Many people have worked hard to create what we have now.

I truly feel like we are unique in our community.  I love that.

N is acting as a Father in this scene with A.  A played Mulan’s Father.

Now for my mommy moment: N was SO GOOD!  I was really proud of him.  He had his first real lines and solo.  I know I think he has a great voice, but I heard it from lots of people.  I hope he continues to sing as he grows up.  He was so regal and refined as the Emperor, which for N is way out of character!   

This morning in my inbox I got an email from Suzanne.  She was just checking in, because she realized I have been MIA from blogging for almost a month.  A MONTH????  Could it really have been that long???  Wow!  Time has slipped away from me. 

Our family has been in a state of chaos.  Although it has been exciting, fun, and wonderful, it is still chaos.  Mulan is in its 2nd week, and thankfully we only have one more weekend to go.  We are all physically, emotionally, and spiritually a bit drained.  My children climb in bed at night with me for a little while, just to get some “mommy time.”   They don’t seem to care that mommy falls asleep before they do. 

We have all had some sort of virus this last week, not even the same one.  I have head goo and a cough, but my youngest got the stomach virus.  

Even with all of this we have been so blessed.  Todd’s new job is working out well.  He likes it and seems happy.  Mulan is wonderful and the cast has been a joy to work with.  My boys seem to be adjusting to our new schedule and seem more secure with Daddy back at work.

Me?  I’m looking forward to spring break!  In a week I will truly have a bit of down time.  I will sit down catch up on a month of missed blogs and blogging.  I will get my next show fully underway and with any luck, I will get my living room painted. 

I hope you are having a blessed day!  Thanks for stopping by and checking up on me!