About this time of year my students start to become more difficult.  The days seem longer and their attention seems shorter.  They start gazing out the window and start smelling more than a little ripe after recess.  I love fall and the excitement of beginning a new year, but the end is always bittersweet. 

On one hand I’m as excited as they are for a break from our daily routine.  Plus if I’m totally honest, I’m ready to pass on some of my angels to next year’s teacher. 

But on the other hand, I have so much that I want to teach them still.  Not to mention I will miss all of them when they move on (no matter how ready I am to pass them on.) 

I also truly enjoy my summers.  It is the time I re-energize for the upcoming year.  I plan.  I work.  I take classes, and I plan some more.  It is also therapy time for me.  Teaching is an incredibly difficult job both physically and emotionally.  I enjoy cleaning my house, spending time with my two favorite boys, and exploring different interests.

We are all ready for summer!  I can feel it (and smell it!  Who knew that such little people can create such smell!)

After the extreme chaos of the last 4 months, I am trying to find myself again. I’m finding it difficult physically, emotionally, and even spiritually.

My body is still trying to adjust to 4 months of stress. Truly more like 8 months of stress. Todd’s being unemployed and then me jumping into too many commitments. I think looking back on it all that maybe I agreed to do all those things as a ways of avoiding the pressures of home. Todd’s unemployment was very hard on both of us. I gained 20 pounds. I’ve lost five, but it is hard. I feel lethargic and unmotivated.

I also think spiritually I’m off kilter. I feel very far away from God right now. I don’t like it. I know what I need to do, but I’m so tired that I don’t do it.

I’m trying to get back into some of my old habits (including, but not limited to blogging), but I’m finding it so difficult. Praying, reading, and even connecting with friends is taking effort. Even getting daily things done is hard. I have piles of little things that need my attention. I have lists of appointments to make for summer, camp applications to get filled out, and homework to turn it (eek due on the 11th.) Heck, even my poor dog needs to go to the vet.

Honestly, I think I am just tired. I’m ready for summer, even if I do have class all of June.

I think this time I truly may have pushed my mind and body as far as they will go.  I keep expecting to wake up and be unable to move.  I am currently working on four shows in various stages of production.  One will be over Friday night, then another will open two weeks later, another will open two weeks after that, and then the final one will be three weeks after that.  Add in planning the summer classes and well, I’ve lost my mind or rather I may overestimate my own abilities.

I am trying to make sure that in this self created chaos, my students are on track.  I spend an enormous amount of time trying to plan with intention for these children. 

When I over extend I do it with style!  My husband and I have also started prepping our living room for painting.  that means all our stuff is in our family room.  All I can think of is Christine Lavin’s song, “What Was I Thinking?”  Maybe you can relate?

Be patient with me I will be blogging with more consistency soon.  The greater disappointment to me is I feel disconnected with all of you.  I have been a daily reader of so many blogs, and I barely check my email.  Soon…

I work in an amazing place!  I teach in an inner-city school with the majority of children from low-income homes and a high ELL population (mostly Hispanic.)  We are one of the few small truly neighborhood elementary schools left.  We have about 300 students.

I work with an extremely dedicated staff and for a fabulous principal!  Our principal was an amazing teacher before she became administration.  Her reputation as a teacher was impeccable.  As an administrator she is always trying to balance things for her staff.  She has high, but reasonable expectations.  She expects you to work hard, but she is working harder.

My co-teachers are not only talented, but incredibly professional.  If you need anything, they will help you.  We share ideas, lessons, and materials not only within grade levels, but across grade levels.  We truly work as a team.  It is wonderful.

They care so much and so intensely that it always surprises me.  I know that a large group of them have been praying for my family and my husband’s job situation regularly for months.

Today when I got to school one of my grade level partners came to visit me.  A few weeks ago she had introduced us to a book called Wolf! I loved it!  It is about this wolf that wants to learn to read, and I think it has enormous potential to help teach my students about reading workshop and what good readers look and sound like. This morning she presented me with my own copy!  It almost made me cry, because it was so thoughtful!

This is actually the third surprise book that I have received this year.  That amazes me even further.  The first was an amazing book about academic vocabulary from an ELL teacher that left our building.  The 2nd was this book I kept checking out from our professional library.  Our darling literacy leader surprised me with a copy of The Daily 5 after I was bemoaning returning it–again.

I have worked in my 20 year career with many talented teachers, and at good schools.  This one is different.  There is no competition.  We realize our success depends on their success.  We are interconnected, dependent, and all valued.

All my guys went camping this weekend.  They left last night.  So I have a day “off.”  I’ve contemplated this time.   What should I do?  Should I go somewhere?  Should I hang out with friends?  I’ve probably spent almost as much time thinking about what to do, as I will have actually doing it. 

In the end I spent Friday night at the grocery store and asleep by 9:30.  Today I will pop in the theatre this morning, and spend the evening at Teen Improv.  The rest of the time?  I believe I will watch some teaching inservice DVD’s  on the Daily 5 and clean my house.

Does that sound boring to you?  I hate to say it, but it sounds delightful to me.  I will have temporary quiet and release of responsibility.  No one needing me or my attention (except for Lilo and Stitch, our dog and cat.)

I am finally getting a very special package in the mail that I have been working on for a while.  I will get all of Christmas put away once and for all.  I want to bake some cookies.  I need to call Suzanne back.  I am looking forward to today.

What would you do?

I know you have always wondered what elementary teachers talk about at breakfast on a Monday morning when they have no students.  Be honest, you have always been dying to know.  Well I won’t hold you in suspense any longer.

Well maybe a minute longer…

or maybe not.  OK, what do we talk about?  How about gay bars and gay porn.  I know…I know…you never in your wildest imagination thought that, eh? (Except for Suzanne )

So today we are sitting there discussing that one of the women’s teenage daughters went to teen night at a local gay bar.  The daughter isn’t gay, but truly this is one of the best dancing clubs in the Des Moines area.  So then we start talking about places that we’ve been.

Yes not that long ago I went to a gay bar.  It wasn’t my plan, and I was part of a large group.  After becoming completely uncomfortable by the videos that were being shown, I decided to wait in the limo.  I would have stayed and danced except for the videos.  I don’t want to see those with heterosexuals.

I thought it was pretty funny though that was our topic of discussion over our muffins this morning.  I could tell the kids were away…

Yesterday it was 58 degrees, but right now it is 0 degrees with a wind chill of -23.  That is just crazy!!!  My students are bummed, because that means indoor recess again.  Although I am not a fan of Iowa winters, I do like the variety of seasons that we have.  Our weather is everchanging and certainly brings it’s joys along with it’s challenges.

Why do I do this to myself???

I am beginning to freak out.  I have not been home for an evening since, well I honestly can’t remember.  My tree is up, but has no ornaments.  My house is a pit.  I haven’t had time to make the presents that need made, nor wrap the ones that I have bought. 

We have done some very fun things, but I’m beginning to lose my mind.  Between the many parties, church services, meetings, theatre classes or performances, and kid commitments, I hardly have time to take a breath. 

This week we had a family Christmas party, praise team practice, church, served dinner at another church, vocabulary class, word study class, allergy shots, physical therapy, Christmas caroling with theatre kids, Boy Scouts,  a production meeting for Mulan Jr., an advertising committee meeting, birthday party for E’s friend,  Winnie-the-Pooh waitress, work Christmas party, and I babysat overnight for my darling baby nephew.  Are you tired?  I sure am.

Tomorrow we have to be at both church services to sing, and the boys are supposed to spend the day with their Sunday school class (making/eating lunch, crafts, and then caroling at a nursing home.)  We can’t.  I have to seriously put my foot down and just say no.  The rest of our week is as crazy as last week.  We need a day off (OK, at least an afternoon).  I don’t think I can physically or mentally do it.  Thank God that we get out for Christmas break on Friday.

This morning at church our pastor asked for 25 people that felt called by God to come to the alter.  He didn’t say why.  My 12 year went to the alter.  He does not normally jump up for this kind of thing.  In actuality about 40 people or so went to the alter.  After they were there the pastor explained that someone donated 25 $100 bills to be handed out to these people to do something with, but it was up to them what they would do with it. 

My son actually got passed over the as the pastor handed out the bills.  (Remember I said 40 or so people went up there.)  After Pastor Craig got to the end of the line he had one bill left.  People sarted yelling and pointing to give it to N. 

So there N stood holding this $100 bill.  The pastor is explaining that in 3 months they will need to come back and tell how they used this money.  I could see on N’s face that he was thinking hard.  I’m imaging that  he is thinking about his WII and a new game he could buy.  I was already planning the speech on how it isn’t really his money.

As soon as he came back to his seat he started talking about using it to buy shoes for children in Sudan, or water for people in Africa.  After more discussion there were thoughts about doing something for his school to help with the epidemic of suicides in our school district right now (4 in 10 months.)  Then came an idea of making ugly dolls or monster dolls to donate to the pediatrics unit at the county hospital or a homeless shelter for kids.  He amazes me. 

I don’t know what he will decide to do.  I’m curious to watch and to learn from this child with such a big heart.  God has a plan for him.

Yesterday someone asked me, “When did you know?”  They were referring to my son being on the autism spectrum.  It was a very difficult question, because sometimes I’m still not sure.

I didn’t know for a very long time.  I knew I had a baby that often didn’t make eye contact, but lots of times he did.  I knew I had to work really hard to make him smile and laugh.  Yet when my baby laughed it was always a deep belly laugh.

I knew I had a toddler that HATED water.  Not disliked–HATED!  He tried to expose me at swimming lessons to all of our town.  I knew that he disliked loud noises, loved to wrap his blanket around him.  He had this strange habit of sleeping between his bed and the wall.  I knew he quit eating most foods when he was a toddler. 

When he went to school the first year the teacher didn’t believe he could speak.  I assured her that he could.  He was just shy.  A few years later the teacher told me how he wouldn’t sit in the group, sometimes sat on his head, and wouldn’t look at people.  I figured he might have some social issues.  They suggested ADHD.  I thought that wasn’t quite right.

At an ADHD seminar I found the book the Out-of-Sync Child.  I thought I had figured my baby out.  Yet that wasn’t quite it either.  It wasn’t until between 2nd and 3rd grade that we finally had an evaluation done.  That was when they brought up PDD.  I wasn’t sure that I agreed.

Here we are three years later.  Finally in therapy.  Finally getting the alphasmart at school (I asked for it clear in 2nd grade.)  I finally am coming to terms with it.  It is such a long process for me. 

“When did I know?”  I’m just not sure.